Thanksgiving 1960

Flashback to Thanksgiving 1960. The table was carefully set with the whole spread; pictures were taken to capture the moment. Ken Sr. cut the turkey. All the children were neatly combed. Baby Chris was six months old. This is all I know - I wonder what other stories can be told from these pictures:

Caption on back of photo: "Ken with his new arrival. How happy he is"

My angel grandmothers

Last winter, in spiritual and emotional preparation for giving birth to my third baby, I was reading The Gift of Giving Life. One of the chapters of that book highlights the significance of the generations of women you have descended from. Through reading that I began to feel such gratitude for my female ancestors and their lives, faith, and sacrifices through birth. They experienced the pains of labor and so I knew they could empathize as I experienced it again. I imagined them, essentially, as my doulas on the other side, surrounding me in love as I delivered my baby. In fact, my great-great grandmother on my mom's side, Sarah Elizabeth Carter, was trained in obstetric nursing under accomplished LDS female doctor Ellis R. Shipp. Sarah Elizabeth delivered hundreds of babies in southern Alberta, Canada, taking care of them and their mothers at her home which they coined "The Stork's Nest". She surely was equipped to empathize with a charitable love as I delivered my baby Evelyn.

After feeling that love for these grandmothers of mine, I decided I wanted to create something my daughters could look to to feel that closeness to these women. I believe these women still care about me and all their descendants with a mother's love. I also looked at it as I meditated and prayed for strength in preparation for labor and delivery. Evelyn's arrival was peaceful and joyful even amid the physical intensity of it all. I believe this was made possible through the peace of the Holy Ghost and enhanced by my strengthened testimony of my divine nature as a glorious woman of God. I also don't believe it unthinkable that one or more of these ancestors played a supportive role as Evelyn sacredly crossed the veil into this mortal life.

For my Raleigh relatives, here's a file you could modify for your own relatives. You can edit it within Google Slides or download/save/export as a PowerPoint File if you prefer editing it that way. I found almost all of my pictures through Familysearch.org.

Grandpa Furse

Two years since you've left us Grandpa Furse. We miss you. I miss your laugh and your love and I know Grandma misses you most. Thinking of you.

With all of you, I wanted to share one of the most touching things I read about Grandpa Furse around the time of his passing. His son Bryan wrote this on the online memorial page:

"My earliest memories are of the family getting on our Sunday best to go to church
in Portland, Oregon. Grant brought me into this world and though I only shared
my first 5 years with him the Furse influence continues its legacy. I am blessed with
my father's quirky sense of humor and good looks. (he would laugh at me if he
heard me say this.) I remember Grant picking me up on his return from work in the
afternoon and rubbing his five o' clock shadow against my tender boy face
exclaiming "you want some whisker pie?" After he and mom split up he drove from
Portland to Tucson just to see his kids again. He stormed into the house at great
peril to himself and grabbed me and my siblings and carted us off to a local ice
cream parlor. He held me and Jolynn and cried like a baby. It was the first time I
ever saw a grown man cry. And this man was my Dad. I know he wanted to take us
back to his life and I am left wondering how my life would be different if he had. I
have grown to admire the mormon culture that is my roots, especially in these
uncertain times we face. I am glad to have spoken with him several times in these
last few months to share a few laughs and to tell him how grateful I am that he gave
life to me and that I love him."

1936

"Grant in his first suit, May 27, 1943"

"9th grade basketball team 1947, won 1 lost 6"

1947

"Junior Prom 1949"

"Grant Furse showing Dr. Killpack the new tooth he got that day. Kathy's wedding 1974"

Halloween 1989

His terms of endearments for us including "retard" and "spaz" still ring in my mind and I don't want to forget :) What are your favorite "Grandpa Furse-isms" or memories of our Grandpa?  

The Larson Mystery

Did you know we descend from Swedes? Maybe that's where our blonde hair and fair skin comes from:  

Note: These are not our ancestors although it would be cool if they were! Source

One of my top priorities in family history is eliminating the dead-end of the Larson line - the Swedes. This is Grandpa Raleigh's mom's line and it's the most sparse in my tree. It goes: 

Ken Raleigh Sr. --> 

Leona May Larson --> 

Oscar Nephi Larson --> 

John L. Larson --> 

??

It just stops cold. This is what we do know for certain about John L. Larson, our mystery man:

He was born in Sweden and was married to Caroline Ramstrom Larson. We have proof of their LDS sealing. This proof came from an Endowment House sealing record which was only accessible by me going to the Church History Library in SLC and after showing my temple recommend, getting to look at microfilm of very old temple records. Very fascinating stuff. This temple record is the ONLY place I've found a birth date and birth city/county for John (29 Aug 1833, Pester, Jutland, Sweden). Unfortunately, when I've searched the Swedish records for an individual with this birth date and place, nothing comes up.There's always the chance too that the temple recorder didn't write down some of those details right, especially as they came from an immigrant with an accent.

John Larson and Caroline Ramstrom got divorced in 1876, dropping John out of the family records.Want some 19th century drama? Their divorce court record reports that John stopped providing for his wife and children and Caroline had to take over. She also reports cruel treatment by him and requests custody of the children. The same month the divorce was filed, their youngest baby Samuel dies at two months old. Two years later John is listed as a witness in a warrant against Caroline and her sister for selling liquor illegally out of their home. Wow.

So to back up, John L. Larson and Caroline Ramstrom are both from Sweden, immigrated to America, sealed in an LDS ceremony in Utah, had kids (including our ancestor Oscar Nephi Larson), and divorced. That's about all I know for sure about him so far. In contrast, his ex-wife Caroline Ramstrom's story is laid out pretty nicely. She has quite a few records which lay out the rest of her life and helped me find her Swedish ancestors.

Want another twist to the story that may solve the puzzle? John Larson may have been a polygamist. There was a woman named Mary Laurena Larson or "Rena" for short. Her parents are listed in censuses as John L. Larson (wait, that sounds familiar...) and Caroline/Carolina Molander. Did Caroline Ramstrom's daughter, Rose, and Caroline Molander's daughter, Rena, share the same father? If they did and we can prove it, we will have a link to John L. Larson's lineage because Rena's father John L. is potentially more well-documented. Clear as mud?

Here is a table that lists five different John Larsons I've found that could be the same person. If you really want to get into the nitty-gritty, this will give you an overview. So many similarities between the Johns in their vital data, yet differences which complicate things.

Where to go from here to solve this puzzle? Here are some questions and clues to start with:

• Was John Larson was a polygamist? Was he married to two different wives: Carolina Molander and Carolina Ramstrom?
• John had assets that were probably subject to probate. A will and probate records may document family relationships.
• Caroline Ramstrom held property in her own name, likely transferred to her by John in either a divorce, or in anticipation of persecution (perhaps even prosecution) for polygamy, when he would not be allowed to support her. Land transfer records might contain information supporting a relationship.
• Rena predeceased Rose. Perhaps her obituary shows she was survived by a half-sister. 
• Perhaps Rose's obituary shows she was predeceased by a half-sister.
• Other descendants of John Larson and Caroline Ramstrom or Caroline Molander could have more info.
• An obituary for John L. Larson could tell us a lot.

(Thanks to the volunteer consultants who helped me so much in research and ideas about next steps).

At the very least, we now know that family dysfunction goes up through the generations, all the way to our Mormon Swedish immigrant ancestors. If you're interested in this mystery and have more questions, please let me know! Their story is still unfolding and hopefully we can figure it out together!

Being happy on the outside AND the inside

Doesn't grandma look pretty here? I hope she was as happy on the inside that day as she looks on the outside. How did she do it? Raising seven children with the pressure (especially in 1950s-60s American life) to be the perfect wife and mother. I'm sure we all still feel that pressure to some extent in our lives today - to look like we're "holding it all together" while on the inside we're hurting and falling apart. There are topics that people just don't talk about - marital problems, depression and other mental illness, addiction - leaving the sufferers to wallow in their loneliness as they're ironically surrounded by people going through the same things. 

We live in such a "sharing" culture, but yet we're so isolated. So much darkness inside. And while it's not "fun" to bring these topics up with others, it can bring more substance and light to our lives and to those we're sharing with as we seek answers and peace together. Yet how can we share in a supportive way - in love and to help others realize "I'm not alone!"? I know that I have covenanted to "bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" and because I have, I know God will help me to help others if I but try. It's a starting point but effort by effort, we will be changed.

My journey so far

I received my patriarchal blessing in 2003. Part of it urges me to write to my living relatives when I am young so that I might get the information I will need for temple work. It felt urgent but I was confused at where to begin. Unfortunately neither of my parents or two sets of grandparents could point me in a good direction. We thought that all that could be done was done. I took a family history class in college but it wasn’t sinking in. I still didn’t know how to really find new family names. The truth was, I just needed to wait. The technology was coming…

Fast-forward to 2009-2012. Technology was bringing changes in how we can participate in family history work, expediting the entire process. This allowed me to do so much more, but when I looked at my direct lines I still felt lost and I was never quite sure I was doing it right. I continued praying as to how I could accomplish this mission I felt I'd been called to. Suddenly, I came across a link to a fan chart-creator called treeseek.com and this beauty popped up:

I could finally visualize where my holes were! And they were in Grandpa Ken Raleigh Sr's line. Here's a zoom-in:

It's the most sparse in Leona May Larson's line (Ken Sr's mom). Her mother's side is English, and her father's, Swedish.  Sadly, I made these discoveries not long after Grandpa Raleigh had passed. I wish I would have known what questions to ask him while he was living, but at least I have faith that there are those on the other side who can lead and inspire us in our searching.

So now I knew where the holes were, but how to fill them? I started asking for help. I went to my stake's family history fair and had a consultant there personally get me started. Then I got tons of help from my ward consultant who was a Swedish expert. I was coming across unfamiliar words in my searching, like parishes. What were those? Familysearch offers online classes and tutorials outlining the basics which helped educate me. I became more familiar with the Familysearch website and the ball was rolling.

In my sense of urgency to contact relatives I began to realize there are people with important family information who are leaving this earth every day. We can't waste time. Besides grandpa Raleigh, his two full-blood siblings Frank and Trudy had also just passed. I called Trudy's husband Rex Bailey in Arkansas not long before his death to ask him if he had family history information. He gave me the names of Trudy's aunt Gertrude and uncle Roy who may have done quite a bit of family history, but I still don't know how to contact their descendants. I found Trudy's obituary and memorial online, leading me to some of Trudy's children, including daughter-in-law Jadelyn Bailey. She has been so wonderful in corresponding with me. Jadelyn mentioned that Trudy had someone help her write/compile her family history before her death, which I hope to someday see. I still very much look forward to learning more from that family. I also emailed Familysearch contributors from our line which has connected me with a number of distant relatives, one being a second cousin through Frank, Ken Sr's brother. This cousin related familiar family dysfunction and pain resulting from her grandfather Frank's alcoholism.

I've been learning so much about the English Riddalls and the Swedish Larsons, unearthing family mysteries, scandals, and hopeful faith. One of the most emotional connections I've made through writing my relatives is with Norma Young, oldest half-sister to Grandpa Raleigh. Her memories brought the pain of Grandpa Raleigh's family to greater light and helped me better understand who Ken Raleigh Sr is. More on all of this in future posts.

So today, I have filled in some holes and been busy with the temple work of 50+ distant cousins. I can't wait to talk about finding our cousins in another post, it's been huge! I am finding the names of our people who have been forgotten to their descendants and felt joy in connecting us together in the temple. You can do it too! However, maybe just as important, I am learning more about why we are the way we are in part because of what we've come from. So whether or not you feel drawn to family history and temple work, I believe the things I'm learning may help us all. So much remains to be discovered and I hope we can find it together.

a girl

Grandma was once a girl. What kind of girl were you Grandma?

Grandma, who are you?

I love you grandma! You held me as a baby and asked me if I remembered Kathy, you cradled me in your arms when I was two and admired my freckles. You told me often that I was beautiful, especially poignant during my hyper-self-conscious adolescent years. I would look in the mirror afterwards and think, "yeah, maybe I do look pretty today." Once you even told me how much you wished you had dark eyebrows like me, at a time when I hated my eyebrows, negatively obsessing over how bushy they were before I knew how to pluck. You love my children. Do you love yourself?

I see family movies of you grandma from 20-30 years ago, jumping in the waves in your swimsuit at the beach, hitting a baseball and running the bases. Looking at your teenage pics, you can tell you loved your friends and liked to have fun. Were you rebellious? What was your relationship like with your parents? In more recent years grandma, you're more quiet. What are you feeling? I wish I could be there more often, yet I live so far away and I sometimes feel hesitant, fearful to reach out since you've always been the one to reach out to me. Yet when I have, the love I feel is strong. Grandma, your life is in its twilight but we still have you! Do you feel like we're there for you enough? What do you need to tell us? What can we say to you? What can we ask you? Are you ready to tell us?

Grandma, do we truly know you?

Why

Why am I writing this blog? I started asking why - why do I have such an affinity for family photos, family videos, family history, for knowing the names and faces of the individuals in this family? Why did poking and poring through the albums, trunks, and drawers in Grandma and Grandpa Furse's dark basement bring such a mysterious thrill? What was I looking for?

Why is there such a dark thread of addiction, shame and emotional pain that weaves through this family web? Why did Ken Sr. desert his children, leaving them and their mother with internal wounds that have lingered to the present day? Why did Grandma marry Ken in the first place? What happened in Ken's childhood and adolescence to contribute to his troubled life? Who is Leona Larson, his mother? Who is Harold James Raleigh, his father? What happened in their formative years? Who were his siblings?

We literally have our ancestors within us. We are the product of their cumulative DNA - of all who came before us. They were real people. Real! With real pain, shame, sadness, regret, joy, excitement, hope. What did they think about? What made their hearts languish? I believe understanding them will help us understand ourselves, help break chains of addiction and contribute to bringing us real and lasting peace.

On this journey of discovery, I invite you to come with me. It won't always be pretty, and I only have a tip of understanding, but that's why I need you - family and those who have empathy for families and individuals in need of healing. There is also a lot of beauty in these stories - ups and downs but many who overcome the odds with faith and hope. Learning about people in our tree - the good and the bad - their authentic, real selves increases our love for them and others. It makes us more resilient, as this NY Times article describes and it knits us together, in unity but also to heal and make our hearts whole, which is what our world and what we all really need.