Being happy on the outside AND the inside

Doesn't grandma look pretty here? I hope she was as happy on the inside that day as she looks on the outside. How did she do it? Raising seven children with the pressure (especially in 1950s-60s American life) to be the perfect wife and mother. I'm sure we all still feel that pressure to some extent in our lives today - to look like we're "holding it all together" while on the inside we're hurting and falling apart. There are topics that people just don't talk about - marital problems, depression and other mental illness, addiction - leaving the sufferers to wallow in their loneliness as they're ironically surrounded by people going through the same things. 

We live in such a "sharing" culture, but yet we're so isolated. So much darkness inside. And while it's not "fun" to bring these topics up with others, it can bring more substance and light to our lives and to those we're sharing with as we seek answers and peace together. Yet how can we share in a supportive way - in love and to help others realize "I'm not alone!"? I know that I have covenanted to "bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" and because I have, I know God will help me to help others if I but try. It's a starting point but effort by effort, we will be changed.

My journey so far

I received my patriarchal blessing in 2003. Part of it urges me to write to my living relatives when I am young so that I might get the information I will need for temple work. It felt urgent but I was confused at where to begin. Unfortunately neither of my parents or two sets of grandparents could point me in a good direction. We thought that all that could be done was done. I took a family history class in college but it wasn’t sinking in. I still didn’t know how to really find new family names. The truth was, I just needed to wait. The technology was coming…

Fast-forward to 2009-2012. Technology was bringing changes in how we can participate in family history work, expediting the entire process. This allowed me to do so much more, but when I looked at my direct lines I still felt lost and I was never quite sure I was doing it right. I continued praying as to how I could accomplish this mission I felt I'd been called to. Suddenly, I came across a link to a fan chart-creator called treeseek.com and this beauty popped up:

I could finally visualize where my holes were! And they were in Grandpa Ken Raleigh Sr's line. Here's a zoom-in:

It's the most sparse in Leona May Larson's line (Ken Sr's mom). Her mother's side is English, and her father's, Swedish.  Sadly, I made these discoveries not long after Grandpa Raleigh had passed. I wish I would have known what questions to ask him while he was living, but at least I have faith that there are those on the other side who can lead and inspire us in our searching.

So now I knew where the holes were, but how to fill them? I started asking for help. I went to my stake's family history fair and had a consultant there personally get me started. Then I got tons of help from my ward consultant who was a Swedish expert. I was coming across unfamiliar words in my searching, like parishes. What were those? Familysearch offers online classes and tutorials outlining the basics which helped educate me. I became more familiar with the Familysearch website and the ball was rolling.

In my sense of urgency to contact relatives I began to realize there are people with important family information who are leaving this earth every day. We can't waste time. Besides grandpa Raleigh, his two full-blood siblings Frank and Trudy had also just passed. I called Trudy's husband Rex Bailey in Arkansas not long before his death to ask him if he had family history information. He gave me the names of Trudy's aunt Gertrude and uncle Roy who may have done quite a bit of family history, but I still don't know how to contact their descendants. I found Trudy's obituary and memorial online, leading me to some of Trudy's children, including daughter-in-law Jadelyn Bailey. She has been so wonderful in corresponding with me. Jadelyn mentioned that Trudy had someone help her write/compile her family history before her death, which I hope to someday see. I still very much look forward to learning more from that family. I also emailed Familysearch contributors from our line which has connected me with a number of distant relatives, one being a second cousin through Frank, Ken Sr's brother. This cousin related familiar family dysfunction and pain resulting from her grandfather Frank's alcoholism.

I've been learning so much about the English Riddalls and the Swedish Larsons, unearthing family mysteries, scandals, and hopeful faith. One of the most emotional connections I've made through writing my relatives is with Norma Young, oldest half-sister to Grandpa Raleigh. Her memories brought the pain of Grandpa Raleigh's family to greater light and helped me better understand who Ken Raleigh Sr is. More on all of this in future posts.

So today, I have filled in some holes and been busy with the temple work of 50+ distant cousins. I can't wait to talk about finding our cousins in another post, it's been huge! I am finding the names of our people who have been forgotten to their descendants and felt joy in connecting us together in the temple. You can do it too! However, maybe just as important, I am learning more about why we are the way we are in part because of what we've come from. So whether or not you feel drawn to family history and temple work, I believe the things I'm learning may help us all. So much remains to be discovered and I hope we can find it together.

a girl

Grandma was once a girl. What kind of girl were you Grandma?

Grandma, who are you?

I love you grandma! You held me as a baby and asked me if I remembered Kathy, you cradled me in your arms when I was two and admired my freckles. You told me often that I was beautiful, especially poignant during my hyper-self-conscious adolescent years. I would look in the mirror afterwards and think, "yeah, maybe I do look pretty today." Once you even told me how much you wished you had dark eyebrows like me, at a time when I hated my eyebrows, negatively obsessing over how bushy they were before I knew how to pluck. You love my children. Do you love yourself?

I see family movies of you grandma from 20-30 years ago, jumping in the waves in your swimsuit at the beach, hitting a baseball and running the bases. Looking at your teenage pics, you can tell you loved your friends and liked to have fun. Were you rebellious? What was your relationship like with your parents? In more recent years grandma, you're more quiet. What are you feeling? I wish I could be there more often, yet I live so far away and I sometimes feel hesitant, fearful to reach out since you've always been the one to reach out to me. Yet when I have, the love I feel is strong. Grandma, your life is in its twilight but we still have you! Do you feel like we're there for you enough? What do you need to tell us? What can we say to you? What can we ask you? Are you ready to tell us?

Grandma, do we truly know you?

Why

Why am I writing this blog? I started asking why - why do I have such an affinity for family photos, family videos, family history, for knowing the names and faces of the individuals in this family? Why did poking and poring through the albums, trunks, and drawers in Grandma and Grandpa Furse's dark basement bring such a mysterious thrill? What was I looking for?

Why is there such a dark thread of addiction, shame and emotional pain that weaves through this family web? Why did Ken Sr. desert his children, leaving them and their mother with internal wounds that have lingered to the present day? Why did Grandma marry Ken in the first place? What happened in Ken's childhood and adolescence to contribute to his troubled life? Who is Leona Larson, his mother? Who is Harold James Raleigh, his father? What happened in their formative years? Who were his siblings?

We literally have our ancestors within us. We are the product of their cumulative DNA - of all who came before us. They were real people. Real! With real pain, shame, sadness, regret, joy, excitement, hope. What did they think about? What made their hearts languish? I believe understanding them will help us understand ourselves, help break chains of addiction and contribute to bringing us real and lasting peace.

On this journey of discovery, I invite you to come with me. It won't always be pretty, and I only have a tip of understanding, but that's why I need you - family and those who have empathy for families and individuals in need of healing. There is also a lot of beauty in these stories - ups and downs but many who overcome the odds with faith and hope. Learning about people in our tree - the good and the bad - their authentic, real selves increases our love for them and others. It makes us more resilient, as this NY Times article describes and it knits us together, in unity but also to heal and make our hearts whole, which is what our world and what we all really need.